I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
