I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
