I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
