You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
