if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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