When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
