Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's always time for handjobs
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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