Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
