I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You ruined the universe
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
