awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
