I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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