I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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