Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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