My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We don't watch enough power rangers
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
