dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
