she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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