She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
