I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
