It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
