my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have already put on my inside pants.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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