with your own penis?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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