I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
