she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
