I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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