my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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