I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
