Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
