just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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