kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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