put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
as a side note pls kill me
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