She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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