then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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