Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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