My nipple is on Facebook.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
