ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
