Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
