How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
