I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
