you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
