I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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