did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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