im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
