girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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