I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
