There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
