Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
