tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
