I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
