my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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