it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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