in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
