If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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