theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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